Sitting in the Spiders Web

I am always being asked with the life I lead how do I find time to make the quilts I do. I can always come up with answers, but I think the best answer is this:

'It is better to quilt than to sit like a fly in the spiders web waiting to be swallowed!'

I suffer from anxiety attacks mainly brought on over the last few years of having a job that deals with other people in crisis, my sons incarcerations, my son and daughter-in-laws drug abuse. Each crisis I believe brought me closer to where I am now. Now, I am not saying that I am not partially responsible, because I am. I don't eat properly, don't rest when I should, don't exercise enough, etc.

However, when your children are arrested (though they aren't children any longer), unless you absolutely just don't care, it does something to you internally. Then when you deal with people constantly wanting to harm themselves, others or are being harmed, that takes your body to another level. So, over the years, my adrenaline rushes and late night work hours have taken a hard toll on my body.

But, I was to busy saying I can get through this, I am strong, don't show any emotions, get back on the horse and ride, deplete my savings to worry about myself. No, I was to busy trying to help others and failed to notice the creeping pounds one at a time, failed to notice or give creedence to the wince of pain here and there until one day I felt that my entire body had a tooth ache, my heart pounded all the time, I broke out in sweats for no reason and I just wanted to run.

Adrenaline depletion one of my doctors said. Stress another one said. Fibromyalgia, anxiety disorder, mood disorder and arthritis. It isn't hitting 50 that got me down, it was running my body over and over again into that brick wall with the ups and downs and hard crashes along the way. It was pretending to be strong, pretending to not need sleep and now, the white flag of surrender waves at me.

A person that shunned as much as an aspirin for pain is now taking pain killers, anti-depression drugs, NSAIDS. I am taking more medication at 50 years old than my grandmother was taking when she died at 94. Not to mention I am in much worse shape than she was.

So, when people ask me about my quilting, I tell them it is a obsession. Because it has become one, but I believe it is that way because my body needs to relax and yet my hands need to be busy. My mind needs to be creative and yet calm and when I quilt, I am doing both. I am calming my mind and yet I am being creative.

Life is what we make of it. It is about giving to others, but not until we take away everything from ourselves. It is about having a pedicure once in awhile because hot pink toe nails are funky and cool. It is about spending $50 of the Christmas savings on a massage. It is about unplugging the phones and sleeping in until noon.

It is not about trying to be superwoman. Learn from me...take care of yourselves and if you ever need to talk, Email me, I am always willing to listen.